What Should Have Been
by Spenderella
Summary: AU. Takes place in New Moon after Edward tells his family that they will be leaving Bella. This is a conversation between Edward, Jasper, and Alice. First fan fic! Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or any of its genius characters!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Decisions

"Edward…" Jasper's voice was so low that I almost did not hear it.

"What?" I was not in the mood for his guilt, I knew he was sorry, but it did not change anything. I did not blame him either; we are what we are and it was in his nature to behave that way; if I had not loved Bella so much, had not wanted to protect her, I would have been as crazed by her blood as he was, probably more so. Since the moment I first realized that I loved Bella, I knew that I needed to leave, that it was what was best for her, but I had been selfish, infinitely selfish.

"Stop being such a jack-ass. You're about to make a huge mistake." His words surprised me. I had not heard this in his thoughts; his guilt was too all consuming.

"I'm doing what is best for Bella. She is the most important thing in this world and I can not continue to put her life in danger just because the thought of being without her almost kills me." It was a strange feeling really. I was all but indestructible, yet this small, fragile, beautiful human girl had the power to break me. But I would put my pain aside and endure it gladly as long as I knew that she would be safe.

"Edward, I have known you for half a century, you are my brother, and I have never felt you so happy before, not even a one-hundredth of how happy you have been since Bella came to Forks." Jasper continued "I also feel how you're feeling now. I imagine this is what it would feel like if I… _lost_ Alice, and I don't know how you can stand it!"

Jasper sped across my room and was inches in front of me. His eyes were blazing with intensity and I almost began to feel his fervor, but it was short lived and then loss that I knew was coming began to take over, as he started to speak. "Edward, Bella loves you, and I am not talking about a fleeting infatuation here. She is consumed by you and sometimes I am baffled at how her human mind and body is able to harness that emotion… that devotion."

I stared blankly at him. His thoughts did not betray the lie, but this had to be a lie. Alice must have forced him to come in here and try to reason with me. I knew how much she loved Bella. Yes, she loved Rosalie and Esme, but in Bella she found her true best friend, her sister. And I knew what I was doing to her by making her leave, but if she loved Bella, she would go because it was obviously what was best for her.

After a few seconds, or maybe hours, Jasper spoke again. "Edward, I need you to know something before we leave Forks." He paused. "Edward, you don't understand, and you have it all wrong! You can't read her mind, but I can read her emotions, her pure and true love for you. You give her so little credit, and I am not sure if that is because you believe her incapable of loving so deeply or if it is because you do not believe yourself to be worthy of her love. It doesn't matter either way. She feels for you what you feel for her and that is the _truth_. So with that being said, I want you to know that if you leave, you will be damning Bella to endure what you and I are both feeling now and she will be alone, with no one to comfort her… There is no comfort possible when part of yourself is taken away."

Shocked. I was utterly shocked by his speech. Could what he is saying possibly be accurate? I knew Bella better than anyone. I knew every line of her face, but more lines should have the opportunity etch themselves on her beautiful face. I knew every scar on her body, but she should continue to live and fall down then rise up again. She should be human and one day she would thank me for allowing her to be so… for leaving her. Yes, I knew Bella better than anyone, especially Jasper. I knew the exact sound of her heartbeat, and damn it, her heart should continue to beat. I would not survive if I knew that I was the cause of her premature death. It doesn't matter that I can't hear her mind, I know how the mind of an eighteen year old girl works, I have been listening to them for almost a century. I will leave and she will probably be upset for a while, but eventually she'll begin to forget, eventually someone else would catch her eye, someone human and warm. Someone who couldn't break her and in whose world she would belong, who could make her happy. Yes, I would leave and she would be happy.

The sound of Alice's approach brought me out of my own mind and Jasper and I turned to see her in my doorway. Her eyes were dark, but not with thirst, with… despair? Just then, Jasper jerked in sudden pain, Alice's pain, my pain. Before she could speak, her eyes became unfocused and I could see the image of a blurry girl in her vision. This girl looked familiar somehow, but she was extremely thin, her features were contorted. She held her arms around herself like she was trying to keep herself together and her face was gaunt, and yet she was still the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

"_Bella?_" The word came out in a whisper. How had Alice concocted such a false vision? This could not be the future.

"It's what she will become if we leave Edward, if _you_ leave." _Please don't do that to her._ Alice's actual and mental voices were not accusatory as Jasper's had been, they were blunt and matter-of-fact.

_No_. I thought to myself. _Bella will be fine. She will be safe when we're gone. She is a human, she will forget about us, about me._ I took a deep unnecessary breath and unpinched my fingers from the bridge of my nose.

"She won't forget." Both Alice and Jasper spoke, as though they had been able to read my mind. Alice began walking toward me at a human speed as she began to speak. "Edward, you are the love of her life, just as she is the love of your existence. If you make us leave, you will be taking her family away from her. I know it is not your intention, I know you are trying to keep her safe, and trying to do what you think is right, but Edward, you will destroy her. And you will be just as miserable." Once again I was seeing things that were not in front of me. Although this vision was darker than the one of Bella, it was also clearer, and I could easily tell that it was a vision of me. I could not recognize my surroundings; I appeared to be in a cramped space with my arms around my knees, clinging them to my chest. I had dark purple circles under my eyes and I looked exhausted.

Jasper raised his hand and put it on my shoulder. "Please do not underestimate her feelings for you Edward. The love she has for you is lasting and unbreakable, regardless of her other human limitations."

I heard their words and I had seen Alice's visions, but I still was not sure what the right thing to do was. I loved Bella more than anything, more than anyone has ever loved anyone else; she was my world. It would seem that if I left, if my family left, I would be hurting Bella more than helping her, and the absolute last thing I wanted to do was cause her anymore harm.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I ran to Bella's house as fast as I could. I hadn't seen her since school gotten out as I had been purposely avoiding her. I had been the longest twelve hours of my life. I can't believe that I had thought I could leave her permanently, how stupid could I be?! I had a century's worth of wisdom, but even I knew my own limitations. Jasper had been correct; I had never felt anything as strong as my love for Bella. It was stronger even then my unyielding lust for her blood. But I was not sure that it was stronger than my desire to keep her safe and whole. I knew that putting off the decision to leave would only make things harder later, but right now I needed to be with Bella. As I got closer to her house, I heard her heart beating, but it was going extremely fast. In response, I pushed myself to run faster, to get to Bella. I scaled the tree outside her window in one leap and jumped through her open window. Bella was curled up in a ball, shaking in silent sobs. I froze. I wasn't sure what I should do. I had been so guarded these last few days, and I knew that she knew something was going on. I felt so helpless, I didn't even know why she was crying, but I knew that was my own fault, I should have been here; I should have been here as she fell asleep and I definitely should have been here to comfort her. I walked closer to her until I was practically standing over her shaking form, and then I let out a small cough, to let her know that I was there.

"OH!" Bella's head shot up in surprise when she realized that I was there. Her wide eyes were bloodshot and her face was tear stained, but she was still unbearably beautiful. "Ed-Edward?" She stuttered.

"Hello." Hello?! That's all I could come up with? 'Hello'! But then again I didn't really know what else to say. I knew what I had been planning on doing, the mistake I had been about to make, but she didn't, she had no idea what had been going on in my head just like I never knew what was going on in hers. She sat up more fully, pulled her blankets around herself, and sniffled quietly. Then she began to speak.

"Why are you here?" She asked, trying to sound nonchalant, which was very hard for her to achieve since she continued to sniffle and wipe her eyes.

It was a question that meant more than it asked. What she was really saying is 'why are you hear now, when you haven't been here all day?' But I was not ready to answer that question yet, so I asked one of my own. "Bella, why are you crying?"

She stared at me for a long moment before she answered. "I had a bad dream Edward! And when I woke up you weren't here!" This time her tone was cold and grudging, I had never heard Bella speak to me in that tone before.

"I'm sorry Bella. How about you tell me about the dream, I'm sure talking about it will make you feel better." I felt immensely guilty that I had not been there for her, and I was looking for any excuse to keep me from having to explain my absence and awkwardness these last few days.

"I-I don't know..." She trailed off.

"Please Bella, please tell me about your nightmare." I asked beseechingly. At this point I made to sit on the edge of her bed and she slid over making room for me.

"Well, it started out with the two of us talking in the cafeteria, and we began having the same conversation that we had the day after you saved me in Port Angeles. You had just asked me if I really believed that I cared more about you, than you care for me."

Of course I remembered that day perfectly, it had been such an important day in our relationship. I played the scene in my head.

"Something you said to Jessica… well, it bothers me." I began.  
"I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say  
about eavesdropners,"  
"I warned you I would be listening." I reminded her.  
"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking."  
"You did, you aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn't be thinking some things."  
She scowled. "That's quite a distinction."  
"But that's not really the point at the moment." I hedged on.  
"Then what is?"  
"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" I spoke instinctively leaning closer to her.  
"You're doing it again," She muttered.  
"What?"  
"Dazzling me," Bella admitted sheepishly.  
"Oh." I liked that.  
"It's not your fault, you can't help it."  
"Are you going to answer the question?" I was becoming impatient.  
"Yes."  
"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" Very impatient.  
"Yes, I really think that." She kept her eyes down, not meeting my gaze.

"You're wrong." I spoke softly, trying to be as gentle as possible.  
"You can't know that," She disagreed in a whisper.  
"What makes you think so?"  
"Let me think," Bella replied pensively.

"Well, aside from the obvious, sometimes…" She hesitated. "I can't be sure — I  
don't know how to read minds — but sometimes it seems like you're trying to  
say goodbye when you're saying something else."  
"Perceptive," I began, she always observed so much more than I meant for her too. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though. What do you mean, 'the obvious'?"  
"Well, look at me, I'm absolutely ordinary — well, except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." Yes, look at me, I'm a monster, and she was an angel.

"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know. I'll admit you're  
dead-on about the bad things," I chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what  
every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."  
"I don't believe it…" She mumbled to herself.  
"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."  
"But I'm not saying goodbye," She pointed out.  
"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do  
it if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

I was brought back to the present, as Bella continued to explain her dream.

"Once you finished telling me that leaving was the right thing to do, to keep from hurting me, the scene changed and we were walking in a forest, I thought we were going to our meadow, but then you let go of my hand, turned to face me, and then said 'goodbye'." Her voice broke on the word, and I wasn't sure she was going to continue but she took a deep breath and her words began spilling out of her, almost at vampire speed. "Then, before I could say anything you were gone and everything was dark, and I felt like my heart was... was gone. And I couldn't move, I couldn't scream for you, I couldn't do anything. I didn't know where you went, and I didn't feel or smell you anymore. And then everything went black, I couldn't see anything, I wasn't sure if I was still dreaming, Edward. When you disappeared in the forest, it felt like I stopped existing. But I couldn't make myself wake up, I just saw black."

When she had finished, the tears fell more freely. I moved her blankets back to be able to grab her hands and hold them in mine, but when I moved the blankets I saw that her arms were wrapped around herself, just like they had been in Alice's vision. However, before I could say anything she continued.

"Edward these last few days have been torture on me. You've been so distant and cautious, and it feels like you're going to say goodbye. Edward" - her word caught in her throat – "if you left me, I am not sure I could survive. Are you leaving me?"

I have always known that Bella was very intelligent, that she was very sensitive to the events taking place around her, but I had been hoping that I was doing a good job at keeping my feelings from her, apparently not. I wasn't sure how to answer her question though, but I figured honesty would be best.

"Bella, I honestly don't know." I couldn't say these words while looking into her deep chocolate, and currently bloodshot eyes. I wouldn't be able to see the hurt that I knew was there.

"Do you not love me anymore?" She asked in a whisper. How could she possibly think that?

"Bella, I love you more than anything, more than you will ever know, and because of that I hate having to put you in danger everyday that you're with me. It kills me to think that one day you'll get hurt again, or worse, and it will all be my fault." Hopefully she would hear the sincerity in my voice, and know that I did love you, and that my first priority will always be her safety.

"Well Edward, I think there is a simple solution to your problem. Change me." She said. I hated how she could discuss her death so easily. She obviously had no idea what a decision like that meant. She was just so young, she had barely lived, and yet she was asking for death.

"No." I answered curtly, it was all I could do to control my anger and not wake up Charlie.

"Why." She replied acidly.

"Bella, you don't understand what you're asking me to do, what you would be giving up. You just - "

"Please Edward." Bella cut me off before I could continue. "Do not underestimate me or my intellect. I know what I am asking for, and more importantly I know what I am giving up. Please don't think that I would ever make a request like that lightly. I have agonized over the decision to change long and hard! Of course you wouldn't know that because you can't hear my thoughts and every time I try to bring up the subject you shoot me down." She paused and took a deep breath trying to calm herself down before she continued. "Edward, I don't even know why you don't want me to be a vampire, the -"

Now I cut her off before she could say anymore. "Bella -"

"Damn it Edward! There you go doing it again, please let me finish!"

"Fine." I replied brusquely, crossing my arms over my chest.

"The only reason that I can think of as to why you will not allow me to change is that you won't love me when I'm cold, when I can't blush, when I won't call out your name in my sleep. Is that why you won't let me change, because you won't love me when I'm not human?"

I was left in shock by Bella's hypothesis; did she truly believe that I could ever stop loving her? I guess I knew the answer to that though, I had seen it in Alice's vision earlier, of a broken Bella.

"Don't be ridiculous Bella. I love you, I will always love you, and nothing in this universe could ever change that." I replied softly, placing my hands on her shoulders.

"Then I do not see what the hold up is Edward? You always have to be so careful with me, constantly telling me how breakable I am. You have the ability to make me strong and invulnerable like you, but you refuse to do it. Why?"

"Because… Because Bella, I will not take away your soul. I will not cause you have to watch everyone who you have ever known die, while you remain unchanged. You deserve a husband, children, a family that loves you. I will not damn you to this life. I love you far too much to see you changed into a monster, to see you crave _human blood_!" That had to make her understand, to see what the consequences were of what she was actually asking for.

"Edward," She placed one of her warm, small, delicate hands on my cheek, I covered with my own. "Edward, I love you, but you have to realize that you are not a monster, and you have a beautiful, caring, and loving soul."

"Well, even if that were true, which I am not saying that it is, it still doesn't change any of my other reasons."

"Alright, let's see. You're afraid that it will hurt me to much to watch the people I love die. Unfortunately Edward, even if I remained human, the people I love would still die. And you said that I deserve a husband and a family that loves me?" She looked at me for confirmation.

"Yes, you deserve a long and happy life, filled with people who love you."

"And that is exactly what I would be getting if I became a vampire. I would get four wonderful brothers and sisters, and two caring and devoted parents. But most importantly, I would get to be with the man I love more than anything else, my husband, forever. You would not be damning me Edward; you would be giving me the greatest gift in the world… the opportunity to spend every day and every night loving you and being loved by you in return. As for your other concerns, they don't matter."

Wow, would Bella ever cease to amaze me? I was so hard to believe her words, but the love in her eyes was undeniable, it was staggering. I can't truly understand how I had been given this perfect, beautiful, angel, but I had. If I were being honest with myself, I knew that I wanted Bella to be a vampire, I always have. I had just never anticipated that she would want the same things that I did. I also couldn't deny that she had thought about changing seriously. She was right about my family too; she would be gaining six people, if I counted Rosalie, who did love her very much. I knew that I would never love another person as much as I loved her, and I was beginning see that she felt the same way. I knew that I did have the ability to make her happy, in more ways then one.

"Isabella Marie Swan. I will love you forever, and I will give you forever - -" Her eyes lit up as I spoke these words, there was such joy and gratitude in them, and I knew that I was making the right decision. I got up off the bed, and knelt beside it, taking both her hands into mine. "All I ask is that you make me the happiest man in the world. Will you marry me?"

Bella blinked and her eyes filled with tears as she took her hands out of mine and placed them on either side of my face. She stared into my eyes for a few moments and then placed a soft kiss upon my lips. The kiss was short, but she kept her lips a millimeter from my own, as she whispered "I will." And then she kissed me again, a long, passionate kiss that made my still heart beat.

We were interrupted after some time by a vibration in pants pocket. I looked at the caller id, smiled, and opened the phone.

"CONGRATULATIONS, you two are going to be so happy!" Alice squealed through the phone, and I knew she was right, that _this_ was right.


End file.
